Friday, October 17, 2014

my gf told me that i should be selfish. she mentioned that i was never selfish? got which time i will say no to other people.
initially when i saw this, i didn't know how to reply, but, i believe that i'm selfish in certain extend. because everyone is selfish in some ways i guess. its not that i'm not selfish, probably its just when it comes to them, i'm really selfless? like when it comes to my family too. i admit at times, i wonder. wondered what did i gained from all this selfless? and when i think of it, i think i've gained nothing except that me being fully used by others.
but then again, being selfless towards that person is my choice, so, just lived with it uh? unless i announced the person dead in my heart. 

have i been hiding my feelings? my friend told me that he felt that i've been doing that. its like no matter what or how i'm feeling. it is not being expressed out. its like what i portray outside is different from the inside. he felt that i've always put a brave front out and then it makes people think i can handle it.
well, when i was young, back then in school, i've shown too many feelings, its like, if i'm angry, i will just flare up at the person. if i'm sad, i will cry or get emotional easy and affects everyones.
then i realised that i've got to control and suppress it well. because it is no one's duty to cry with you, get angry with you or go along with my mood. neither their duty to pacify me.
and now, when i suppressed it so well, it turns out to be not expressing out my feelings, my thoughts. well, its really hard to jungle these things. i'm not trying to pacify anyone of my friends by suppressing my feelings and thoughts just because what happened in the past. NO. its just that i've realised. [like what i've mentioned earlier]
there are many times that i want to share all these feelings and thoughts, then gradually, i realised that my friends became busy, leading a different path, or even they gave this aura that they arent interested in what i want to share, ignoring my texts or simply just change a topic. probably that's when i started to keep everything and resulted what it happened now.
i don't blame anyone for this because its not anyone's duty to care about another person feelings. unless you're damn important to that particular person. i don't know.

work been a shithole. shall have a post regarding this soon. my space to vent/rant my feelings and thoughts here.

well, what to do? life still goes on. right? be happy!

beside all this "dark" post, maybe i shall post my Seoul trip soon in my space.

during the time when i'm in Seoul. super yummy ice cream.

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